In my marriage the issues were not between us they were within us from our own resentments our own baggage that we carried with us from birth to childhood into our adult lives.
I was a kind loving, compassionate person buried under pain, smothering in fear struggling to free himself.
And I would look outside of myself for rescue.
So many times I would silently, desperately plead.
I'm struggling here. Is someone going to help me or am I alone
I'm struggling here. Please someone be here for my fall
or will I fall alone?
I wanted to love, but I don't know how. Please don’t equate my attachment my need to love to some deep-rooted childhood experience that holds me fixated on some minuscule desolate remote fantasy.
I am talking about the basic human experience of love.
I knew that I did not know how to love. A love that is open and selfless. I was isolated from the human experience of love of family, friends, and people of my community and of one individual.
Like digging a hole in water, my will would struggle and fail. And I would think, “It's okay. I'll step back into the routine of the mundane, the day in day out of my non-existence.”
It wasn’t until I let go of my pride and spite that I was no longer alone. I found God. When I let God in, I let love in. Love, a radiant, fulfilling, empowering love.
As love filled me it pushed out the pain and fear that stifled me, kept me from the human experience.
For me, my God is love. God filled my heart.
I spent my whole life not understanding, and now that I do, I am over whelmed.
I know we are all connected. And there is positive and negative. There is healthy and unhealthy. We are pulled and we gravitate. It is our free will that god gave us where we make our choice.
And life, love you can think about it all day. Discuss it, research and examine all possible outcomes. But, you will never know a thing until you do it.
I'm not for everybody but I am for somebody. And we will find each other.
I am imperfect struggling for perfection everyday.
