Deal Breakers

Dogs, Kids and Baby Talk.

And everyone knows these are deal breakers except for the pet owner, the single parent and of course the social retard, the baby talker.

Let’s look at the Pet Owner. She has three dogs. They do whatever they want wherever they want. No guy is going to put up with that. Men are disciplinarians. Dogs and chaos is a deal breaker. The worst part for the guy is that the woman is totally oblivious to the fact that animals are telling her what to do and she thinks it is cute. He is on the couch trying to make his move and Fido is doing the laser beam stare with this high pitched whine meaning,

“I want a cookie, hurry up bitch.”

Spot is wedge up between them stretching out with the stiff leg maneuver because it is his couch and he needs more room. Last but not least Igor some large mange diseased heap of wet dog smell is at the guy's feet farting.

Ok kids. Don’t like them myself. Dirty, rude, smelly little fuckers. I know I was one too. But now I am not. Kids. Much like the dogs but more premeditated in the chaos. They can do a real mind fuck on all parties involved. And don’t think it is for any other reason than to get what they want whatever that is, candy, money, toys or for the pleasure that only pure spite can bring.

The baby talker. Really there is no excuse for this type of emotionally and socially retarded person. They usually like G rated movies, know all the lyrics to the Sound Of Music and either are a quartet singer or own albums. This person loves square dancing and collects comic books or figurines. The problem with a baby talker is that the baby talk doesn’t begin until you have fucked them. And then it starts immediately after the orgasm. Bone shattering and the guy will need Levitra for a long time after.

Breaking the deal. Everyone is flawed. Admitting your flaws first softens the impact. Second, throw in something positive about them, make it up if you have to. Lastly, don’t do the standard,

“It’s me, not you.”

bullshit. Tell them the exact reason.

“Your house is a fucking zoo and I can’t take it anymore.”

This works for both dogs and kids.

As far as the baby talker is concerned, just get up and leave. Run away without a word. They don’t deserve an explanation and they wouldn’t understand.