My First God

As I raised my head up

and looked around at the devastation

I had caused,

near the end of my self-destruction

and at the beginning of my restoration,

reconstruction, whatever

my head was still zooming

and even more so

with the thoughts and comments of

an angry sad man whose

mental obsessive loop played

repeatedly day and night.

First things first.

Choose what is important and what is not.

So, I launched an infinitely large

cardboard box into the even more

infinite universe.

Before I did, I inscribe on the box,

THINGS ON MY DEATHBED THAT DO NOT MATTER.

I know. The box metaphor again?

Sure I love boxes

not for living in

but for storing, sorting or saving.

I have a box in my home marked,

Awesome Inside.

So I began the slow, methodical process

of identifying the

important

and

the

irrelevant uncontrollable useless thoughts.

The recognition was the difficult task,

the discarding was easy.

Slowly over a period months

my mind began to quiet.

There were less thoughts. Calm had arrived

the clamoring was gone.

For the first time in my life I could hear.

It was the beginning of my spiritual path.

A small opening lay ahead of me

from years of misunderstanding,

denying and over-accepting of blame,

guilt and shame.

Now feel free to use my box

at anytime, not as a God

but as place to dump.

A clearing house of priorities and perspective.

It is easy that we gravitate to the negative

at anytime in our lives

and fill our heads with such junk.

In a world where the superficial seems so prominent

and

the existence of

fear, greed and self centeredness is everywhere.

A friend of mine mentioned how

unfair it was that some get a better

start in life than others.

I don't know if fairness has anything to do with it.

I see the universe as perfect, containing

clockwork precision and chaos.

It is the random events where we experience

joy and pain and the possibility of new growth.

It is the clockwork precision we

receive stability, strength and confidence

for understanding of our place here on Al's planet.

It was a long time after that

I developed my directions for living

and my understanding that each day I start over

always vigil and working to maintain balance.

For me, to remain happy and content,

will always require self-awareness and effort.

I am grateful that I discovered my Island

for the directions there keep me on course.

By the way,

should my box filled

with such stuff that shall not

be repeated,

return to Earth

modified from alien technology

just call

Captain Kirk

cause I'm out of here.

Suffering Irony: A Real Goddess of the Universe

Where do I begin? Here.

Have you been amazed today? I hope so. I have.

Remember I live on an island

created by my directions.

You don't know theses directions,

but know this

"I decide what is right or wrong,

I make my decisions about my actions not

on what you think of me or what I think

you will think of or expect of me, as long

as I first approach with kindness."

So there I am on my island doing whatever I am doing

which is exactly what I am supposed to being doing at that moment.

In my bubble moving throughout the universes.

Nudging against mankind. But really

avoiding

and pretending

while smiling away.

As I have read on bumper stickers, Life Happens.

Real decision making moments. Moments that test ones

character and beliefs.

And my moment came out of no where,

this is a day by day situation that requires

all my island can muster.

A fragile, twisted step by step process of holding

true to myself and yet balancing healthy interaction

with a member of mankind.

Lets do one those swirly wavy drift

back in time scenes, as I begin to tell the tale.

20 years ago I knew this

pure,

radiant,

honest,

innocent

real

Goddess of the Universe

that glowed.

Not one I could kill like Pretty did so easily

nor did she need to be..

This one was built emotionally strong and healthy

intact and functioning full force.

As a matter of fact

so much so that I feared her

and being near her that I

had to protect here from

me and my notorious destructive behavior.

This was a remarkable person whose

humor, intelligence mixed with sparkling eyes

and smile and a laugh that stunned anyone

with ability to discern what is real and not.

She was the real deal. OK I think you got the picture.

If not just stop reading and go back to TV.

So you see.....(out of the way back machine)

Now I stumbled across the Goddess not broken

but wounded close to the edge but not at despair.

Hanging in there like that little kitty in the poster.

Here is where you have to trust me because

I can never ever explain to you how this chance meeting

affected me. Life changing moment situation.

So is this part of my spiritual path?

Is this yet another universal test of my character?

It is tricky, what is my will versus my fate?

Sometimes risking action when not knowing can make a mess.

But I could not leave her broken an wounded

anymore than could I have broken or wounded her.

So I am going to be there for her, like I was years ago.

Help her find her way back to that radiant, remarkable glow.

Someone will be hurt in the end.

I hope its me. It should be me. It will be me.

I have hurt more than I have been hurt.

I can suffer the pain of this irony

for the cost

is a small price to pay for

her to see herself the way I see her.

All My Decisions Are Final Until I Change My Mind

What a beautiful thing.

As an individual it is most important

to me to place my Freedom before all others.

And after scrutiny or a fancy whim I might reverse.

Of course,

changing ones mind could just be a indication

of indecisiveness, insecurity or plain stupidity.

And then there is always

during a debate

just when as you are realizing that you are wrong

and terribly out witted

saving face might require a change of thought.

You know, "The Looking Glass Theory"

Following the crowd is easy. You fit in well

and you avoid the judgement others

who are no more

better

or

less than you.

I like the prerogative of being free to change my mind.

It is a challenge to analyze your belief system.

Not the one you were indoctrinated with

but the one you develop as an individual, free thinking organism.

Examples,

There is no God, there is a God.

War or no war.

Too much government or not enough government.

Hot Krispy Kreme or stale Krispy Kreme.

Philosophy is only the discussion

of someting never practice

by the thinker.

Methodologist take action

and once they do a thing then they

can know a thing.

They can be transformed

or

prove that they were correct all along.

Thats how to determine if your decision is final.

It is easy to make a quick decision and a quick change.

It is difficult, and requires reading, and method

to make an intelligent decision and even more

to change that decision.

But like I have written before some decisions

are irrelevant

some

are significant

but

most importantly

some can be irreversible.

If my decision is ultimately in the end

final

I will will follow it out

whether detrimental

or

spiritual.

Fate Up Against My Will or When I Think I Know What I Am Doing I Am Wrong

Ever during a dream found such glorious

ecstasy of reasoning and understanding?

But like a child running so fast, faster and faster

until the brain cannot keep coordination

for the wild recklessness of the boys joyful

spirit he begins clumsily wildly flailing arms,

legs now beyond his control stammering in

a crippled gait disconnected now from his brain,

he comes to a wild stomping tripping crash,

to the the ground.

You wake, the feeling, the emotions of glorious joy still remains,

but the logic the sense of the dream is gone.

Puzzled you move to your daily routine

and eventually the world takes away that euphoria.

Takes away that perfect

logical reasoning and understanding

of the ecstatic joy.

Your every being overwhelmed by

immense love and euphoria experienced.

It is my fate versus my will.

The two intertwining struggling brings my spiritual path

off course into a series of blunders and tragic mishaps.

When I accept my fate as it occurs daily. I

calm, and cage my will. Give it time to see

it is uselessly ragging against the

grandeur of the universe,

and temporarily it will disappear.

And I return to my spiritual path

a continual amazing flow of

peace, love and compassion.

Understanding myself and my place in the universe.

That I give to faith.

I don't need to know how

I got here.

I just owe appreciation and forgiveness

to the fact

that I am.

Life is as I choose to believe.

Cuckoo For CoCodependance

What a good cereal.

I know I

took

it

hook

line

and

sinker.

Hmmmmmm. deliciously destroying every

fiber of the once former self.

And even though I am no longer a vengeful

rage filled time bomb of revenge;

My lies I hold to protect the people I love

is now floating to the surface, ready tho escape

my mouth.

SEE LYING IS LYING.

We all do it. We lie to others, we lie to ourselves.

Some lies,

the "white lies"

we use to

spare feelings.

However we are actually cheating that person

from reality and the opportunity to reflect

and possible change.

Then there is the "avoidance lie" to escape

confrontation or an activity like a child's birthday party.

Then there is the "hypocritical" lie.

This is when we are friends with an adulator,

yet hate another person for doing the same thing.

The intention

is the degree

for which

we judge decent or cruel lying.

NOW

I have been called a liar.

It is true.

I AM A LIAR.

Also in fair turn, I have been lied about.

I will accept my lying and being lied upon without defense.

I know the truth and I can live with it.

But Oedipus wanted the truth and look how that ended.

If you want me to tell all the truth beware.

For the truth I know will destroy lives.

SO HERE IN LIES THE MORAL QUANDARY

OF MY TRUTH I HOLD.

Be honest and hurt many people so that I can be one

who is known to tell the truth.

Or remain silent

to protect

the guilty

and most importantly

to save one I still love.

For now I am a fucking no good liar holding on to the secrets

of destruction in this unhealthy sick circle of co dependence.

Oh what a struggle.

My evil rising in me,

can the love and joy in my heart muster strength

and forgiveness

in my scoundrel soul.

Only time will tell if I can continue to lie

to hold the dirty truth of secrets.

It is not a moral issue for me.

It is a conscious act of

peace, love, compassion and understanding.

Hugs and kisses to all of you that I own.

One Dim Light Bulb Away From Chaos

Shakespeare is my Jesus.

Galileo is my Jesus.

Sophocles is my Jesus.

Peter Gabriel is my Jesus.

Thoreau is my Jesus.

Jesus is my Jesus.

I had a wonderfully real conversation

with a man who is not a repeat offender

he truly is an old soul.

Such a kind man, understanding, compassionate,

funny, intelligent, humble, excellent husband

and involved and devoted to his children.

Pause for a moment. I don't say this

lightly. Because I believe most of us

me, you

are inept in self-actualization;

compassion, peace, love and understanding.

So, when I say this about my friend, it is a fact.

We were laughing about your

carbon foot print

and the end of the world.

Just how vulnerable we are floating

on this tiny dust speck Earth.

In this conversation the age old question arose,

"What happens to you when you die?"

"Do we have souls?"

"Where do they go?"

Basically,

"Are there Heaven and Hell parties in the great beyond?"

We shared our thoughts. Some similar, some not.

When it came down to it we agreed that having

something to believe in beyond the self was the point.

Now I gain comfort from the thought that we are

only energy at the sub-atomic level.

When I die I am none the wiser.

It is not my goal that I have an after life.

It is mine that I use the energy in my body

now, while I think therefore I am,

like a stone that hits the water

rippling positive into the universe.

It is what I leave behind.

"Oops,

I have a lot of work to do

to get back in black."

My ripple effects the people in my life

and strangers I meet on the streets.

It is within the radius of what I can see and hear

as I move throughout my day.

I don't look at my future, I glance back occasionally

with a grin but return to the task at hand.

My soul guards mankind

manically raging against the absurdity

of that which is fear

spreading out ripples

of judgement, hate, anger and violence

into the perfect universe.

Someone made notice that our brain

when angered or frightened

is

no different than that of an

ape, one with a cell phone but

still just as primitive as we ever were.

Well I don't know about you, but my soul,

damn him,

will NOT stand idly by

while the controlling, mind numbing,

fear mongering

apes of propaganda

wreak havoc

with our peace, love and understanding.

The Idiots can fight over

religion, politics and superiority.

Intelligent can fight best

when they oppose bullshit the most.

"Sweet God of all things great and small;

It is the middle that sanity stands."

Island Living Because I Am Too Smart for Whores and Too Bored by Debutantes

First,

let me apologize for the trite use of metaphors

you are about to encounter should you choose

to continue reading any further.

Steve McQueen could do it, Paul Newman could do it,

the Count of Monte Cristo survived

but actors playing characters and fictional characters

obviously do not suffer the way we do.

So for us living in a box is torture.

Until recently, I lived in a box

built inside a box

built inside another box

and so the fuck on and on.

Don't get me wrong. I built those fucking boxes,

stepped right into the motherfuckers willingly.

However, the material for those boxes

came from my parents, my genetics, my environment

and whatever else I don't fully understand.

I don't blame anyone for the boxes I built.

But we grow up being given building material

of lies

passed from one generation to the next.

We all do it except the rare few

and

I have not met them, have you?

At this point let me give you

a couple of symptoms of box living.

Do you use the word "me" and "why"

a lot in your thoughts or conversations?

Is your concentration and ability

to balance life, family and work difficult?

Are you depressed often or more?

Are you wishing you were somewhere else

instead of where you are at the time?

Do you feel guilt, shame or regret?

Do you go socially to places and do

activities you don't want to do?

Do you want people to do what

you do and think like you do?

Do you socialize with Trolls?

Do you have lottery fantasies?

Do you gossip?

Do you tell small lies and make excuses

to avoid?

Do you worry about what others will think of you?

Do you participate against your beliefs, wants

and/or needs?

Do you wish your life was different?

Do you want revenge?

Do you suffer from bouts of rage and resentment?

Do you want to blow your brains out?

If so,

you should immediately seek yourself and assess.

So after years of box living,

I became miserable, self centered and fearful.

Naturally like any animal after years of captivity

I began the long pacing circle

of

sex, drugs and alcohol all together in no

certain order.

Just

"more now! faster motherfucker!

The walls did not come down

until

I had destroyed myself.

Much like Pretty's guilt

and the

killing of a Goddess of the Universe

destruction can make opportunity for rebirth.

Transformation is possible if you survive

the destruction.

"I did. And I created an island on which I live.

The suffering, the effort, the struggle is worth the investment

when I find each day I am continually amazed."

John Donne said, "No man is an island."

Now of course he was speaking to the fact

that he was involved in mankind.

How? I am not sure.

This I do know, mankind is people living in boxes.

I am not sure how involved we really are as a species

with one another.

I put my personal freedom before all others.

It is my responsibility to society

to be an individual.

I do not stand alone

but separate

and yet with mankind.

I make my conscious choice

to follow or rebel.

Not out of fear or rage respectively.

I serve not as a machine but as

a living organism in the universe.

My island is not that

of isolation

or

of borders

but of

Directions for Me, Myself and I.

"I heard that. Who mumbled, (The Three Stooges?) Maybe so,

but you and all

are invited to my island,

but remember you are a guest and only visiting."

No Trolls will be allowed on shore.

So I offer this unsolicited suggestion,

step out of your box or boxes,

forget why or how

it was built

and write down the directions to your island.

Pretty Alice says her island is magical.

I hear she refitted E. C. Marm's air-boat.

She says it is loaded with jellybeans

and ready to soar.

So watch out you Tick-Tock Men and Women.

The Harlequin Rides Again!

For Abby and Bo.

Be strong, free and make your own

Conscious Choices

and

you each will have an Island of your own.