Cuckoo For CoCodependance

What a good cereal.

I know I

took

it

hook

line

and

sinker.

Hmmmmmm. deliciously destroying every

fiber of the once former self.

And even though I am no longer a vengeful

rage filled time bomb of revenge;

My lies I hold to protect the people I love

is now floating to the surface, ready tho escape

my mouth.

SEE LYING IS LYING.

We all do it. We lie to others, we lie to ourselves.

Some lies,

the "white lies"

we use to

spare feelings.

However we are actually cheating that person

from reality and the opportunity to reflect

and possible change.

Then there is the "avoidance lie" to escape

confrontation or an activity like a child's birthday party.

Then there is the "hypocritical" lie.

This is when we are friends with an adulator,

yet hate another person for doing the same thing.

The intention

is the degree

for which

we judge decent or cruel lying.

NOW

I have been called a liar.

It is true.

I AM A LIAR.

Also in fair turn, I have been lied about.

I will accept my lying and being lied upon without defense.

I know the truth and I can live with it.

But Oedipus wanted the truth and look how that ended.

If you want me to tell all the truth beware.

For the truth I know will destroy lives.

SO HERE IN LIES THE MORAL QUANDARY

OF MY TRUTH I HOLD.

Be honest and hurt many people so that I can be one

who is known to tell the truth.

Or remain silent

to protect

the guilty

and most importantly

to save one I still love.

For now I am a fucking no good liar holding on to the secrets

of destruction in this unhealthy sick circle of co dependence.

Oh what a struggle.

My evil rising in me,

can the love and joy in my heart muster strength

and forgiveness

in my scoundrel soul.

Only time will tell if I can continue to lie

to hold the dirty truth of secrets.

It is not a moral issue for me.

It is a conscious act of

peace, love, compassion and understanding.

Hugs and kisses to all of you that I own.

One Dim Light Bulb Away From Chaos

Shakespeare is my Jesus.

Galileo is my Jesus.

Sophocles is my Jesus.

Peter Gabriel is my Jesus.

Thoreau is my Jesus.

Jesus is my Jesus.

I had a wonderfully real conversation

with a man who is not a repeat offender

he truly is an old soul.

Such a kind man, understanding, compassionate,

funny, intelligent, humble, excellent husband

and involved and devoted to his children.

Pause for a moment. I don't say this

lightly. Because I believe most of us

me, you

are inept in self-actualization;

compassion, peace, love and understanding.

So, when I say this about my friend, it is a fact.

We were laughing about your

carbon foot print

and the end of the world.

Just how vulnerable we are floating

on this tiny dust speck Earth.

In this conversation the age old question arose,

"What happens to you when you die?"

"Do we have souls?"

"Where do they go?"

Basically,

"Are there Heaven and Hell parties in the great beyond?"

We shared our thoughts. Some similar, some not.

When it came down to it we agreed that having

something to believe in beyond the self was the point.

Now I gain comfort from the thought that we are

only energy at the sub-atomic level.

When I die I am none the wiser.

It is not my goal that I have an after life.

It is mine that I use the energy in my body

now, while I think therefore I am,

like a stone that hits the water

rippling positive into the universe.

It is what I leave behind.

"Oops,

I have a lot of work to do

to get back in black."

My ripple effects the people in my life

and strangers I meet on the streets.

It is within the radius of what I can see and hear

as I move throughout my day.

I don't look at my future, I glance back occasionally

with a grin but return to the task at hand.

My soul guards mankind

manically raging against the absurdity

of that which is fear

spreading out ripples

of judgement, hate, anger and violence

into the perfect universe.

Someone made notice that our brain

when angered or frightened

is

no different than that of an

ape, one with a cell phone but

still just as primitive as we ever were.

Well I don't know about you, but my soul,

damn him,

will NOT stand idly by

while the controlling, mind numbing,

fear mongering

apes of propaganda

wreak havoc

with our peace, love and understanding.

The Idiots can fight over

religion, politics and superiority.

Intelligent can fight best

when they oppose bullshit the most.

"Sweet God of all things great and small;

It is the middle that sanity stands."

Island Living Because I Am Too Smart for Whores and Too Bored by Debutantes

First,

let me apologize for the trite use of metaphors

you are about to encounter should you choose

to continue reading any further.

Steve McQueen could do it, Paul Newman could do it,

the Count of Monte Cristo survived

but actors playing characters and fictional characters

obviously do not suffer the way we do.

So for us living in a box is torture.

Until recently, I lived in a box

built inside a box

built inside another box

and so the fuck on and on.

Don't get me wrong. I built those fucking boxes,

stepped right into the motherfuckers willingly.

However, the material for those boxes

came from my parents, my genetics, my environment

and whatever else I don't fully understand.

I don't blame anyone for the boxes I built.

But we grow up being given building material

of lies

passed from one generation to the next.

We all do it except the rare few

and

I have not met them, have you?

At this point let me give you

a couple of symptoms of box living.

Do you use the word "me" and "why"

a lot in your thoughts or conversations?

Is your concentration and ability

to balance life, family and work difficult?

Are you depressed often or more?

Are you wishing you were somewhere else

instead of where you are at the time?

Do you feel guilt, shame or regret?

Do you go socially to places and do

activities you don't want to do?

Do you want people to do what

you do and think like you do?

Do you socialize with Trolls?

Do you have lottery fantasies?

Do you gossip?

Do you tell small lies and make excuses

to avoid?

Do you worry about what others will think of you?

Do you participate against your beliefs, wants

and/or needs?

Do you wish your life was different?

Do you want revenge?

Do you suffer from bouts of rage and resentment?

Do you want to blow your brains out?

If so,

you should immediately seek yourself and assess.

So after years of box living,

I became miserable, self centered and fearful.

Naturally like any animal after years of captivity

I began the long pacing circle

of

sex, drugs and alcohol all together in no

certain order.

Just

"more now! faster motherfucker!

The walls did not come down

until

I had destroyed myself.

Much like Pretty's guilt

and the

killing of a Goddess of the Universe

destruction can make opportunity for rebirth.

Transformation is possible if you survive

the destruction.

"I did. And I created an island on which I live.

The suffering, the effort, the struggle is worth the investment

when I find each day I am continually amazed."

John Donne said, "No man is an island."

Now of course he was speaking to the fact

that he was involved in mankind.

How? I am not sure.

This I do know, mankind is people living in boxes.

I am not sure how involved we really are as a species

with one another.

I put my personal freedom before all others.

It is my responsibility to society

to be an individual.

I do not stand alone

but separate

and yet with mankind.

I make my conscious choice

to follow or rebel.

Not out of fear or rage respectively.

I serve not as a machine but as

a living organism in the universe.

My island is not that

of isolation

or

of borders

but of

Directions for Me, Myself and I.

"I heard that. Who mumbled, (The Three Stooges?) Maybe so,

but you and all

are invited to my island,

but remember you are a guest and only visiting."

No Trolls will be allowed on shore.

So I offer this unsolicited suggestion,

step out of your box or boxes,

forget why or how

it was built

and write down the directions to your island.

Pretty Alice says her island is magical.

I hear she refitted E. C. Marm's air-boat.

She says it is loaded with jellybeans

and ready to soar.

So watch out you Tick-Tock Men and Women.

The Harlequin Rides Again!

For Abby and Bo.

Be strong, free and make your own

Conscious Choices

and

you each will have an Island of your own.

Survival Skills I learned in Kindergarten

Or the Holy Trinity of American Living on Al's Planet

Start with-Step One

The Father-- Justification

" I NEED it." "I DESERVE it."  "I fucking WANT it."

If that doesn't work- Step Two

The Son-- Rationalization

  " Well if I didn't." "What is it going to hurt?" "Everybody does it."

And finally if all else fails- Step Three

The Holy Ghost--Denial

"Whatever." "Fuck it." "That wasn't me."

Guilt Is Magical

In most cases it is not, but in this case it was.

It occurred to me after the sudden and overdue departure of Pretty Alice,

my few, oh so precious few readers don't know how Pretty came to be

so angry, twisted and broken.

A long, long time ago as all fables begin, in a H. Ellison story

before Pretty's decay and renewal,

she was married!

Yes! She! and Yes, she was Married!

Married to a rebel of the the state. A wanted criminal named

Everette C. Marm. AKA The Harlequin.

He rebelled not for the sake of rebellion but out of conscious choice.

Pretty on the other hand was a conformist. Not that there is anything wrong

with conforming as long as it is done out of purpose.

However, Pretty conformed out of fear

It was her fear that killed E. C. Marm. She was a loyalist to the state,

but a traitor to her husband. She turned him in for his acts of rebellion.

And that guilt eventually destroyed her. It turned her

to the Pretty Alice you know today.

Guilt can be magical, it can be a weapon, it is a poison.

Though occasionally, given enough time and the right circumstances

it can transform a person.

For every action there is an equal or opposing action.

For every action there is a reaction.

Everything we touch, the words we speak, even the thoughts we think

effect the universe and its contents within.

Some consequences are magical, some are insignificant

and some are irreversible.

Scary Halloween

A name by any other name would still be a name.
Of course the name Scary Halloween is really a name within a name,
but still just another name I call myself and I have a Fa Fa way to run.

So, why am I here? Alas, I have some bad news. Pretty Alice is gone.
Don’t get your hopes up, Pretty is not dead. Just on a journey.

Turns out not so tragic for us or Pretty for this matter.

This is what happened according to Pretty Alice. Apparently Pretty was embraced and kissed by a goddess of the universe. Whatever that means. And in that instant, that fleeting moment Pretty’s heart opened and filled with love, joy, kindness and faith.

Pretty went on to explain, we are static while time runs like a river around and over us. Some look back to see where the water is going, some look forward trying to predict where the water is coming from. But few experience the water as it soaks us. Our lives are like a city, parts in ruin and decay while other parts experience urban renewal and new development. All parts ARE the city as it was, is and will be.

Pretty was only in decay.

I'l never forget that look on my face when Pretty stated,

"Strange how something so angry, twisted and broken can heal something so angry, twisted and broken. Probably some universal law of quantum physics."

Typically after this goddess filled Pretty’s heart with joy, hope, faith and kindness
he killed her. Naturally so, some creatures just have their way about themselves.
I like to think it was Pretty’s way of retuning the gift.

“Some things have to be destroyed to be rebuilt. I just sped up the process.”

Well at least that is what Pretty told me while leaving one life to another. I think the mind set was while we are creating our life we are really destroying it.

I know that goddess just doesn’t realize she is in rebirth. Most likely rebirth at first is slow like waking from an intense dream. I guess that is what a poet meant when she wrote only fact could be so dream like.

So off on their journeys while I sit here and try to make sense of it all.

Nope, I just don’t get it and I am sure you don’t either. We don’t have to nor do we need to.
We have our own lives to live.

In My Life I Love Me More

A lot of people.., OK a few people..., Oh well just two people with the occasional passerby reads my Blog. Unfortunately, for some of the one time readers, they think I am insane, demented, and/or deranged.

Well don't cry for me.... you or Argentina.

I am happy, normal and full of spirituality.

Each night after a long, fulfilling day I lie down in my hand crafted bed made of beautifully polished bones that I have painstakingly collected over the many years and fall right to sleep dreaming of what possibilities tomorrow will bring.

The joy and excitement that I experience each day brings me closer to revelation.

I spend my time on Al’s planet meticulously sharpening knives, cleaning guns, sorting poisons and checking them for expiration dates. There are certain medicines I need to gather, reconnaissance that has to be done, list that have to be made, shopping to be completed….Listen I could go on but I have probably said too much if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

My point is simply this, I am happy in my little corner of my little world.
If you are so concerned with me you probably don’t have a life of your own.
Although I pity you, I have to say mind your own fucking business!

Arbitrary Injustice

There is exact justice and then there is what I refer to as arbitrary injustice. It is an angry, evil misguided act of retribution aimed at a totally unknown and presumably innocent person.

Example, in high school a friend of ours had is distributor cap stolen. So he was convinced that he had exacted his revenge on the thief by stealing someone else’s distributor cap. Talk about the skewed pay it forward concept. We were unsuccessful at getting him to see he had done to someone what had been done to him and he had not made his thief pay.

Now of course our friend was not the most intelligent or by far rational. But there are cases that have been told to me of victims of arbitrary injustice. Maybe conducted by people like my friend or maybe just mean assholes that enjoy this behavior. Personally it is not my style. I prefer an eye for an eye to my enemy not to a stranger in the name of my enemy.

If you are going through the trouble, why not relish in your enemies misery that you have brought down upon them?

One of the worst cases I have heard of was of a rock and a note wrapped in a pair of panties and thrown through a window of an innocent married man’s home.
The note read,

“Fuck you, you cheating bastard!”

Now whether it was a wrong address or a cruel joke, it was an unexplainable situation to his wife. There was no way even in the most trusting of relationships that she would ever truly believe him. Always she would have a slither of doubt and a strong undertow of suspicion. Funny if it didn’t happen to you, but it is just cruelly unfair to him.

Now I don’t care about this guy. Everyday, worse shit victimizes the innocent in situations where nothing can be done about the suffering. I don’t want to get started on Devine arbitrary injustice.

That is a whole other posting and I can't go down that path here.

What I do care about is that there are plenty of people that do deserve such a thing. I can think of much worse to do to the assholes that I have had the misfortune to deal with in my life. I am sure they skate through life untouched by any type of justice.

So.

I plead to you.

If you get your kicks off of torturing total strangers with misplaced revenge, contact me.

I have a long list of people you don’t know.

Misery Needs Company

There are those married people that want single people to give up on answering to no one. Some people with kids always want others to create spawn in their own image. This need to justify their choices by badgering you into joining the Misery Luck Club is evil.

Why would you wish such on your “friend”?

They just want to pop your fun bubble
so they don’t have to stare at you in constant memory of how life used to be.

Now you are probably thinking I am only focusing on the dark side of marriage and children. Sure there are people happily married and people thrilled to have children.
By the way, notice I wrote “have children” instead of “to be parents”? Big difference.

I personally love having children.

“Thank God I don’t know where or who they are.”

So, who loves being married or having kids so much that they are compelled to aggressively sell you like some plaid suited hand waving insurance salesman?

No one.

Absolutely no one does enough to breach your personal life with a never ending constant offending assault that leaves you feeling emotionally violated and physically ill..

So, who hates being married or having kids so much that they are compelled to aggressively sell you like some pin striped suited bible clutching gun toting evangelist?

The severely sick and twisted.

They have an unaware need to justify the existence they have created for themselves rather than change it. This need allows them the gall to badger you incessantly. Using phrases that suggest you are lonely and unfulfilled. Like you are wandering Al's planet in limbo until you do what they did.

There is no help for this person and no way of stopping them. Just hold onto the simple fact that they are miserable and they need you to be too.

I’LL HAVE THE CAKE THAT NO ONE ELSE IS HAVING

I don’t mean that lonely dried up fruit cake in the pantry that has been passed from family to family like a bad foster child that is only years away from inmate love.

I mean the sweet moist beautifully delicious cake.

So, after everyone has chosen their slice, corner, rose, middle, small slither or heaping glutton; I have what everyone else is not having, the rest.

Why not?

Everyone had their choice and they should know that coming back for seconds is just a shameful act of over indulgence. So once it is my turn to choose I choose what everyone did not. Usually the prime pieces are gone and I see it as doing a service. Like a vulture picking carrion clean, I dispose of what no one wanted or was not willing to shame themselves for larger.

The sad truth is they know not what they lose. Listen! I am talking about cake.

The let them eat it cake cake.

Have your cake and eat it too cake!

Cake is the ultimate prize! It is not fame and fortune. It is cake. And not the cake you make or buy. I am talking about someone else’s cake. That is the prize. The one they made or bought.

I am that, that takes the cake. For good or bad, life is about being the one or instigating the situation that takes the cake. It is the spoils that go to the victor!

This is no metaphor, allegory or analogy. I am talking about actual cake. And if you don’t understand the importance of what I am saying about cake, then you probably

just take what you are given.

30 Dollar Fish Sandwich

It is the pentacle of harmless alcoholism. His brain has focused on one constant solitary image he can’t erase. A beautiful, perfect, greasy, salty, crunchy fish sandwich.

But alas, while craving he is too drunk to drive.

Now obsessed, every 30 seconds the thought of sex has been replaced. And the rest of the night all conversations are interjected with,

“I could really go for a fish sandwich.”

But how does he get it. He fidgets with the keys in his pocket. Goes to the door and stares at his car. He knows if he makes a run for it his friends will be all over him. So this becomes a ritual for the next hour or so, fidgeting and starring, up and down, back and forth.

“I could really go for a fish sandwich.”

If it wasn't two in the morning he would just call his wife. But he is drunk, out too late and that is just not an option since she is home in bed asleep and thinks he is as well.

Eventually I get sick of his,

“I could really go for a fish sandwich.”

So I suggest that if he could really go for a fish sandwich, where there is no will power there is a way. In other words, have money will eat fish sandwich.

Fortunately for him, over the years I have developed a close relationship with one particular cab service. Well it is not an actual cab service. It is a husband and wife that drive people from place to place and take donations for the trip. So, it is wise to tip well if you want to see them again and quickly. Anyway, they know me well. So much so that on one particular occasion, I called them to bring a bag of ice to my house. We were in dire need and of course too intoxicated to drive.

So problem solved. That is if he is willing to pay 10 bucks to come get his money, 10 bucks to McDonald's and 10 bucks back to the house. He was. He had two for good measure and according to him they were the best things he had ever eaten.

Only in America could this kind of tragedy be averted. America truly is the land of opportunity and immediate gratification. I feel sorry for those late night drinkers all over the world.

I bet they are hungry.