I've walked to nowhere many times and have always walked back

.

It's a self loathing thing. A rage against life. A way to know I am alive. Some jump from planes, others climb mountains and so forth. I delve into the darkness of society to test boundaries, to face death before my time. 

I gain empowerment when I walk the no white man's streets. Argue the price, pull out a wad of cash daring then to take it from me. 

They no better than to fight a man with a death wish. Fearless is feared. 

Block after block a target. My invisibility my posture leads my path safely home.

I gain strength to walk in the valley of death and know that to fear evil is to fear me. It's like flying. It is weightlessness. Freeing. 

But it doesn't hold. Last. Secure. To be validated as alive requirement involves repetition of the immediate embrace of death.

Never a simpler affair

Family Reunions You go with high hopes and leave hungover and grateful for the distance when you are home.  Sanctuary 

Abby

My sweet Abby.

You don't know me anymore than I know you.

I was there. I was with you. Bugs, frogs Madagascar hissing roaches.

Who you are now, there is a part of me.

I will never forget you.

I am not what they say.

You, me all are subject to others. Memories are real and some are only relayed to us to sift through.

Reach out I will grab your hand.

Your life gave me life. 

I hold tight.

Follow the second star on the right, straight on til morning.

Uncle Cary

The grace of life

You do not always have to be strong but only  to feel and cry and time will come that you  will be okay

For this is life. People and things come and go and we are changed by the passings and grow strength through the experience of pain. 

Follow the blood trail

Trustworthy of a person is based on their nature foul mouthed or not.

This is supposed to be based on a study.the conclusion being that the more verbal vulgarities the more trustworthy the person.  Ever hung out at a lawyers bar?

I like the story of the frog and the scorpion the scorpion asks the frog to take him across the river and the frog says I can't because you will sting me and the scorpion says I won't sting you because we both will drown so the frog says OK but halfway across the river the scorpion stings the frog and the frog says to the scorpion you stung me now we're going to both drown and the scorpion says nonchalantly it's in my nature.

You are too pretty to be thinking right now. So stop or keep it up.  I follow my nature. Beetle or human. We are organisms. Curse or gift of the evolved brain. I ignore society's manufactured consent. 

Approach first with kindness.

 After?

 Above ALL else. Be true to yourself. And swing away. 

They serve food and drinks

They serve frivolity. Friendship. Conversation. Togetherness And a bill.

I'm am biding my time

There are perfect moments
in life. When you are in a moment of bliss. Contentment and joy. Elated. Like a happy ending in a movie after the characters have struggled through hardship and dilemma. I always wonder as the credits role, "what now?"  Because you and I know that after the credits comes the fall. The roller coaster of living. Up and down. Thrills and spills. We are never finished. Not here nor after here. 

It's beautiful the dichotomy of our lives. The Yin and Yang. Just when we reach the pentacle we reset to start again. But I know and hope you know this is only a reality of this physical world. Life can be be an avoidance of accumulation, and instead a  practice of patience, love and focus. Fine tuning our belief that all there is to life here is to love and be loved. All else is our will fighting to stay against what is beyond.

What seems important here
Is only in our choice, fear fuels the fire.  Yet we do not have to submit.

Let go of the preconceived. Let go of the ought to, the you should, the how it is supposed to be.

All this goes on without you, all this is a dream, all this is a measure of what we can be beyond what what we know here.

I am perfection that is imperfect

In my marriage the issues were not between us they were within us from our own resentments our own baggage that we carried with us from birth to childhood into our adult lives.

I was a kind loving, compassionate person buried under pain, smothering in fear struggling to free himself.

And I would look outside of myself for rescue.

So many times I would silently, desperately plead.

I'm struggling here. Is someone going to help me or am I alone

I'm struggling here. Please someone be here for my fall

or will I fall alone?

I wanted to love, but I don't know how. Please don’t equate my attachment my need to love to some deep-rooted childhood experience that holds me fixated on some minuscule desolate remote fantasy.

I am talking about the basic human experience of love.

I knew that I did not know how to love. A love that is open and selfless. I was isolated from the human experience of love of family, friends, and people of my community and of one individual.

Like digging a hole in water, my will would struggle and fail. And I would think, “It's okay. I'll step back into the routine of the mundane, the day in day out of my non-existence.”

It wasn’t until I let go of my pride and spite that I was no longer alone. I found God. When I let God in, I let love in. Love, a radiant, fulfilling, empowering love.

As love filled me it pushed out the pain and fear that stifled  me, kept me from the human experience.

For me, my God is love. God filled my heart.

I spent my whole life not understanding, and now that I do, I am over whelmed.

I know we are all connected. And there is positive and negative. There is healthy and unhealthy. We are pulled and we gravitate. It is our free will that god gave us where we make our choice.

And life, love you can think about it all day. Discuss it, research and examine all possible outcomes. But, you will never know a thing until you do it.

I'm not for everybody but I am for somebody. And we will find each other.

I am imperfect struggling for perfection everyday.

My Trouble Through Summers

Hip pouches are not hip, but they are so practical. I live for the winter when the man's coat is his purse.

It's the same thing for me every year. It could be solved if I were metro sexual, Then I would carry a man "satchel".

But I'm not so I won't.

We can call it an accessories pack, a utility belt, we can color them, make them out of hemp, bedazzle them, tell people it was a gift from the President of the United States, but it is what it is. It's not right. It's unnatural. I leave the pouch to the marsupials and of course Batman. 

So in the hot months of summer, my pockets are stuffed like a child from a 50's television show. Yo yo, string, jacks, a rock, a frog and some sandwich pieces.

It's such a shame to not just wear the damn thing. Let's face it, I'm a terrible dresser. What would it matter? How could a fanny pack, hip pouch do any more harm to my "look"? I have no fashion sense at all. Well  except for the terrible self conscientiousness I would feel wearing a fanny pack like some practical tourist from some practical town somewhere in some  practical pocket of the world.

I'm just not that practical. Maybe it is true. People really do suffer for fashion.

And for you, the brave ones, the practical ones, I admire your self actualization. Seriously, I want to be you. But, I can't. I just can't. I've tried. Once I got as far as my front door. But that's it. 

Well, truth be told. I carry a diabetic kit that is canvas. No belt attached. I refer to it as my "external pocket".

And push come to shove I tell people  I'm diabetic. Sometimes I volunteer it announcing it as I point to the bag. 

I wouldn't have to go through this if I had a girlfriend, wife or metro sexual friend, I could dump my stuff in their "satchel" purse slash overnight bag suitcase thing.

Talk about too much luggage to be hanging out with another human being just for the compartment convenience of their accessory just for my stuff. That's excess baggage.

Still, between my phone, phone paraphernalia  and E-cig and E-Cig paraphernalia, I need a fanny, hip wherever I wear it pouch.

What can say, I got stuff

In the end it comes down to choice as does everything. Are you in or are you out? I prefer to wait and let the wheel of fate decide. If I've learned anything, it is that history repeats itself.

If I live long enough , maybe, just maybe the hip pouch

will be hip again, if it ever was.

Nope. It won't happen. 

I am a very positive person who believes hope springs eternal, but I can't even fool myself on this one.

A Citizen Of The World

History repeats itself.
And that's all history teaches us

 i'm hung over at work and and if my memory is correct,  I'm going to throw up on people, again.

As a species we really could benefit from maximizing the repeating of positive endeavors and
reducing our repetitive blunders.

I know, as a an individual I'm  really not pulling my weight.  It's not like I don't make improvements, I just lack consistency.

I guess that's the thing. As a group we are out of sync. We are not all pulling at the same time in the same direction.

Maybe that's the balance of life. I can't imagine what the world would be like if we all at the same time were not trying.

Maybe if Earth had some basic rules to follow and enforce.

Wait. We already have that. But we don't do it consistently. Hmm?

It's good to know I'm not alone.

Love Has It's Evil Tendencies

I don't have the ability to bypass my
immediate desires for my
future.
Will I ever learn?
Never.
I don't want too.
I'd rather keep throwing myself
with all my heart.

Bullseye

I have always aimed low and walked away quickly unfulfilled.

Now I've decided  rather to stay out here orbiting along the perimeter of her life
than go back to a 1000 safe predictable outcomes.

The universe is chaos, and it is precision; which neither I control.
Now I choose the unpredictable and leave it to the quantum mechanics.

I'll  make my aim true, set a trajectory

regardless of what I ask myself.

"In that swirling cosmos nestled in the encompassing beauty of her cranial orb, is there a random synaptic firing of the idea that our two celestial bodies will meet in the same space at the same time within our eternity?"


Meanwhile,
I will fill my days
with purpose, food, water, clothing, shelter and the affection of friends and family.

Thriving with the basics to happy living.

Sometimes the truth sounds like a lie

Inversely a lie sounds like the truth.

It's difficult in a world of messages, sugar coated hidden agendas, fear focus factoids crafted to drive you running with your wallet out to buy buy so long and bye!

Every so often you will have a moment where you realize your life is perfect as is with nothing required but choice. In that moment of clarity you are filled with the idea that your life is always awesome even if you don't see it all the time. And that the worst day on Earth is better than to not have been part of this knowing.

Most days are spent moment to moment determining your level of happiness, sounding your now off the wall of your past and future. Analyzing the balance between what is true of your life and what is false. We escape through our days by judging, rating our degree of happiness. But that is judged from the misconceptions of  indoctrinations.

Constantly sifting out the thoughts to a clear focus of happiness.


Best to turn off the noise, listen to the message inside you. It is there, hidden in the clutter of media, religion, school, government, parents and all else of opinions and agendas.

Coming Real Getting Low

By Cary Hall

I have made selfish choices in my life. At the time I did not know they were out of fear or anger. It was difficult to avoid the pain of saying "no" to what I immediately wanted. I can now but I can't scoop the ripples back of my actions. I can only imagine what it is  to have observed me to reflect on me as I was. I know what I have done, what I must live with, but never fully know what they must.

It is done. 

But we are not. Forever tidaled in my wake. 

Extrovert passive or aggressive? Introvert passive or aggressive?

By Cary Hall

Neither combination good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. 

It is what we do  with that, with ourselves that is. 

Me? I'm an aggressive introvert.  Knowing this, accepting this is key.

I think an aggressive extrovert or a passive introvert would have less dichotomy. More in sync. 

Less questioning.

But those have their challenges and pitfalls as well. 

Our life is a short long journey. Much easier when you know you know yourself,  your path and can be true to it. 

Go Take What I Make Mine

By Cary Hall

It is my self conscious, my deep rooted kindness, empathy and vigilant self awareness that  prevents. 

I deny my potentials playing the fence.  I don't want to be that person. 

My spirit locked in turmoil against my nature. 

I know it is the dichotomy of the universe. I applaud myself for my recognition and I hate myself for the life long struggle. 

Either way peace would come if one would win. 

The outcome is my soul. To toss away or preserve. 

Cherish or exploit.

This is solely about me of me for me. Not what others think, but what I can live with. 

To what end, to what means is a question that plagues me, it tasks me. 

A burden of choice, of organic wiring, of environment or of God that  I bare.

Just

me, myself, I

and

God. 

We Three Are Here

By Pretty Alice

It is about time. 

Such a sweet man. 

I love him. 

Scary wants to be him. 

Scoundrel is afraid of him.

He has always been here,

watching us live through him for him because of him. 

Why now? Who can know. 

Time

 heals all wounds as does severe desire and the grace of God. 

I guess if there is a lesson, never count yourself out, never give up and never not say never. 

Perspective.

By Cary Hall

Life. It is what is. I don't have many bad days where effort is required to get back on my spiritual path. Everyone is due a few now and again My experience has been that what it is now won't be later when it's now again. 

Just When I Thought I Was Done

By Cary Hall

I want to slow dance with you. Hold you close. 

Stare into your eyes, smile at your smile. 

Whisper in your ear.

 Smell your neck. 

Nibble on you as we dance together as one while the rest of the world disappears out of our view all the while melting together,  knowing what might come we will thrive together in respect in admiration. 

For the sake of sex there go I.

By Scary Halloween

Not true. Not for me. 

For love there go I. 

Sex without intimacy, without love is hollow. 

Anyone can fuck. But to find healthy enduring honest open hearted love takes effort. 

Self awareness and patience doesn't come easy like an animal does. 

Don't get me wrong, I like sex. Playful, torrid, passionate, kinky or slow sex with a lot of kissing and caressing. 

But to what end, to what means? 

That is the question of all actions in life. Only you have the right answer. 

Life is a series of choices of doing and having with results undetermined.

If we are not here for love then why are we here. To buy shit? To be gluttonous, pretentious, selfish power hungry asses? 

I guess the answer is your choice. I've made many choices. What I have learned, is that your truth is real. For me, love is truth. 

For love there go I.